Problems in relationships have
increased over the past few years. Their forms and
causes are diverse. Here are a few examples that we
have to deal with as counsellors and therapists:
(All names and details have been changed!)
“My boyfriend always calls the
sex-hotline.” – Julia feels betrayed by her
boyfriend because he secretly calls special numbers
for sex. She has also noticed that he looks at porno
online. She feels terrible. Should she tolerate
this?
Jealousy of the past – Susanne has
been with Martin for ten years. Susanne: “Martin is
jealous of my past sexual relationships even though
they were over a long time ago. Sometimes he grills
me about my past and then I go through emotional
hell.”
Timo asks: “How can I deal with my
wife’s aggressive behaviour after our separation?”
“My husband only wants sex and won’t
talk to me” – Marlies, 40 years old and mother of
two youths, feels more and more alienated by her
husband. “He just wants sex and doesn’t pay
attention to my feelings. Our relationship is
stagnating. Our feelings are numbing.”
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“Which woman should I
choose?” – Heinz has been with Claudia a
long time. She is a reliable type. “A
few months ago, I fell in love with
another, livelier, woman. I have never
before experienced such intensive sexual
feelings. Claudia
found out about the relationship and is now
demanding a decision. I fear that I’m going to lose
control over everything and everything is going to
break apart.”
“Can a bisexual
person start a family?” – In a letter Günther reported to me that
he has known that he is bisexual for eight years
now. “ Now I have a good relationship with a woman.
I’d like to have children and a family, but I’m
scared that I may later desire a man more. This fear
cripples my ability to plan a future with a woman.” |
“Why can’t my boyfriend and I plan a
common future?” – That was the question of a
twenty-four-year-old trainee that I accompanied for
many months as her counsellor. Her boyfriend was
afraid of getting too close. Whenever the
relationship had become more harmonious and the pair
had become closer, her boyfriend would suddenly
provoke a fight “out of nowhere” and the pair would
stop seeing each other for days, sometimes weeks.
“How can I get rid of the guilty
feelings that torment me that I could have saved our
marriage?” That is what a childless woman asked
seeking advice after she had separated from her
husband after eight years of marriage. She had been
left for another woman and was herself a
psychologist!
Needs and desires
We can only understand the reasons
for conflicts between couples or even for break-ups
if we understand the motives, needs and desires of
the partners. These needs can be frustrated by
harmful behaviour patterns.
What do people want from a
relationship? What needs do they have?
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Jürg Willi, a world-reknowned couples
therapist, says: “There’s a desire for connection,
proximity, tenderness and for a stable relationship.
Marriage and family are considered places of refuge
and security.” People want to feel secure and that
they can rely on their partners in a relationship.
They want to experience eroticism and other intimate
desires. They want to feel supported in their
self-esteem and self-respect. Emotional needs seem
to be more important than sexual needs in a
relationship.
We need someone who understands our
worries. We need someone who can adjust to our moods
and who can stimulate us. We need someone who
supports us in our search for fulfilment – a person
who encourages us and approves of us – someone who
shares our visions. We need someone who gets the
most out of us in terms of our personal potential –
humour, wit and talents. This person should
appreciate our uniqueness. Every love partner wants
to help the other overcome his/her weaknesses.
Many lovers build a world together –
with children, material goods, common friends, goals
and values. When this common world falls apart, it
can lead to emotional anguish, difficult crises and
often to psychosomatic illnesses.
In the everyday life of a
relationship, it is clearly difficult for partners
to be considerate of each other’s needs and rights.
One of the main problems is that one of the partners
doesn’t fully realise how deeply hurt the other
feels when they are infringed upon or abused.
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Which behaviour patterns and
personality traits threaten and destroy a
relationship? Why do partners in a love relationship
suffer? – 12 common reasons for splitting up.
1. Unfaithfulness,
disloyalty and an affair
– the emotional hurt and insult experienced by the
partner who has been cheated on is often
underestimated and played down. If this traumatic
experience isn’t healed, then only disappointment
remains, a loss of trust and finally breaking up.
One feels betrayed by the very person whom shortly
before was the only person one could open up to and
show one’s inner being. The hurt soul feels: “I’m
no longer desired, therefore I’m no longer of value.”
The couple had previously formed an intimate
alliance; the lovers had embraced intensely during
the sexual act and had a wonderfully unique
experience together. This unique bond is destroyed
by one partner’s betrayal. The one cheated upon can
be reminded of past losses, separations, and
childhood fears of being abandoned by this betrayal.
The basic feelings of trust and confidence towards
life can be deeply shaken: if even one’s partner
isn’t trustworthy and reliable, what people can be
relied on in this world? In this manner, an affair
becomes a very traumatic experience for the person
who has been betrayed.
2. The inability
of one partner to sense the needs and feelings of
the other partner –
3. Diverse
emotional and mental stages of personality
development.
Example: In modern
times, women are frequently emotionally more
advanced than their male partners and are more in
touch with their own feelings. Men often reduce the
value of the realm of feelings and have a lack of
words for them. Problems are often swallowed down
with a couple of beers. Whereas women talk to each
other about social relationships and feelings, men
often talk about sports, politics and technical
problems.
4. Harmful and rigid patterns
of communication
as, for example, with frequent accusations,
reciprocal abuse, violence or withdrawal.
5.
Struggles for power and an unequal distribution of
power and
influence in the
relationship.
Power struggles are
increasing in our time: In our society a man’s role is constantly
being questioned.
Women are becoming more and more confident and
emancipated. Things can become difficult in a relationship, for example,
if a woman has reached a higher position than the man and the man’s
self-esteem is threatened. In order to prove his superiority in the family,
it can happen that the man then draws his wife into many mundane daily
conflicts.
6. Narcissistic and egoistic
personality of a partner –
Self-realisation is highly regarded in
our society. Some people misunderstand
self-realisation and only see their own
fulfilment. An exaggerated self-realisation becomes just plain egoism. This
egoism can go even beyond that and become narcissism, ego-addiction
and ego-cult. Narcissistic people are in love with themselves. Their
willingness and ability to understand other people’s needs and feelings
is very limited. In the long run, no relationship can last if one partner only
thinks of himself/herself. Selfish people, in love only with themselves,
flee from relationships when things aren’t going so well anymore. They
flee from conflicts and from the pain that can’t be avoided in any
relationship. These people
have the illusion that
a long-term love
relationship is possible without suffering.
Narcissistic people perceive conflicts
and suffering as an interference to their self-realisation and fulfilment.
Troublesome work on a relationship is too strenuous for them.
7. Unprocessed, often unconscious
psychological injuries from earlier relationships
and family background.
An extreme example
of this is the experience of earlier sexual abuse.
Such trauma can lead to a disturbance in all later
relationships on an emotional and sexual level. In
this case, psychological help is very necessary!
There are many other emotional injuries from
previous relationships, besides this extreme
example, that come about especially by means of
abusing trust or through frequent humiliation. These
can also burden a present relationship.
8. Unconscious fear of closeness and
a fear of a more serious commitment to one’s
partner.
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This fear pulls the partner down and
there is a curtain between the couple which stops
the partner from experiencing an intensive emotional
intimacy. This fear of intimacy can come from the
exaggerated need to realise oneself (compare with
number 6) or from a fear of responsibility. The
sources of this fear can lie deeper and therefore
may only be uncovered with professional therapeutic
help. Example: A man wouldn’t allow any real
closeness to his wife over a period of many years.
As a child, he was quite spoiled by his mother. His
mother was very overbearing with her love. She would
have liked to “eat him up”. His whole life he lived
with the unconscious intention not to let any
woman get as attached to him as his mother was.
Unhappy couples often discover such simple
connections only at the time when they go to couples
therapy.
9. Mental illness
of a partner:
For example depressions, anxieties or
addictions – A famous example of this can be found
in the biography of the poet Hermann Hesse. He
separated from his mentally disturbed wife because
he couldn’t bear the emotional burden any more. In
contrast to previous decades, doctors and therapists
today have a wide range of possibilities for
helpfully treating mental illnesses. Why should you
abstain from therapeutic help when you can achieve
more fulfilment in life and save your relationship?
10. Superficial attitudes, values and
lifestyle:
Pleasure, addiction, enjoyment,
physical and sexual attraction count too much for
some people. Public recognition is important. The
ideal lifestyle is that of the beautiful and the
rich – those who are stars in the media. If these
values dominate a relationship, jealousy and fear of
a breakup are the result.
In this case one partner only views
the other partner as an object that can be exchanged
when no longer attractive enough. As everyone is
potentially more attractive than oneself, one fears
being deserted, if one doesn’t live up to the other
partner’s standards anymore. The cosmetic industry
and cosmetic surgeons profit from this fear more and
more. Real love is missing in this kind of
relationship.
11.
Unconscious motives and immature, anxiously
motivated yearning for a relationship in choosing a
partner.
This desire for a relationship leads to
one partner clutching on to the other partner as
well as great emotional dependence. These yearnings
have their origin in early childhood and lead the
relationship along a rigid and destructive path from
which there is no escape. (“Collusion” in
specialised therapy language) – The well-known
doctor and couples therapist Jürg Willi wrote
prolifically about this topic. In the beginning of a
relationship, heavy clinging and symbiotic proximity
can be experienced as the fulfilment of all desire
for love. Unfortunately, excessive clinging can
awaken the other partner’s resistance after a
certain amount of time as well as a desire for more
distance and independence. If couples aren’t willing
to take steps towards growing more independent of
each other, the emotional climate in the
relationship can worsen: Accusations, anxieties,
jealousy and aggressiveness poison the relationship.
Therapeutic help is urgent in these cases.
12. Unrealistic desires and life
dreams, expectations that are too high, that can’t
be fulfilled by anyone –
An example of this
is the expectation that the partner’s erotic
attraction should continue to be as strong as in the
beginning. Films and media suggest that happiness in
a relationship consists of a lasting passion. Many
people feel a pressure to do well and have just as
intensive and passionate relationships as in films.
When things don’t turn out that way, they begin to
doubt themselves. The pressure to perform well and
self-doubt can seriously interfere with healthy
sexual relations. If outside pressure to fulfil
norms is too strong, then the playfulness of good
sex can be lost. If the desired sexuality doesn’t
occur, then possibly after years of dissatisfaction,
one may seek fulfilment in another relationship.
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The
secret of a happy, lasting relationship:
Mutual attraction, faithfulness, honesty
and understanding for the needs of one’s
partner
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How can therapists and counsellors help?
1.
Help to improve
communication and understand motives
If partners are
blaming each other and are frequently aggressive
towards each other, the counsellor can help them to
establish a more favourable atmosphere. He is then a
communications trainer. He helps each of the
partners to express his/her own needs in such a way
as to allow the other partner not to react
defensively or to withdraw. A prerequisite for good
communication is that the partners in a love
relationship each understand their behavioural
motives better. Which motives are behind the
excessive irritability of my partner? Why is my
partner so sensitive in particular situations? Why
has my partner withdrawn more and more lately? It’s
the therapist’s duty to help the partners better
understand their motives. Then mutual understanding
can grow and greater satisfaction can be achieved.
2. Helping to make
the best decision
A decision must
often be made after a time of crisis and hurt:
“Should I still give this relationship a chance or
should I break up?” A good therapist doesn’t have a
prescription. He helps his client to find the best
way for him or herself. Clients then decide for
themselves the best way when they have learned more
about their deeper inner needs and values. They must
have the courage to decide to follow their needs and
values.
In order for the
client to decide the best path to follow, the
counsellor provides his own life experience and
specialised knowledge of the subject of psychology.
3. Helping to
better understand reasons for separation
If one has been
deserted and deeply hurt, then one often can not let
go and agonises about the question: Why did the
other act in this way? The deeper background reasons
have to be understood, so that the separation and
life crisis can be processed. In this situation, the
therapist with his human experience, empathy and
specialised knowledge can help to better understand
the (unfaithful) partner’s personality and motives.
4. Helping to be
free for the future
Disappointment,
rage and insults have to be treated. The therapist
can stand by the client during this difficult
process. The goal has to be to forgive one’s past in
order to be free for the future. Logotherapy
especially helps during this process: On the page
Discover meaning in your life I described an
example of how one depressive woman was able to
overcome the crisis in her relationship and find a
new orientation.
Learn more about
healing communication
in love-relationship!
